Tell me where to stand. I, myself, don’t know where.

Sigh. I seriously don’t know what to say, what to rant, what i really want to type without being rude, selfish and whatnot. You see, i’ve been living  my life like a rollercoaster ride these days.

I wasn’t planning anything bad, but I guess my presence wasnt that welcome when we went to aji’s house this afternoon. she doesnt even smiled when i went inside their room. her reaction was, “WHAT THE?! WHAT ARE U DOING HERE?!” I am so disappointed. I felt like crying. Me, so excited to see her, to see her smile and said MISS U POT! and everything. But what I received was the opposite of what i expected to see. And she’s not even interested in talking to me.

The worst part came, they talked about how happy they are when their ‘gang’ met up yesterday and talked about how hard they laughed and blah blahs. i wont feel offended if i enjoy my company. but, seems like, im a bad person so life is being so bad to me too. God is punishing me for being a bad granddaughter. For being a bitch. While they’re happily enjoying their other friends’ company, i was suffering from heartaches because my ‘OWN’ friends aren’t in good terms. They just kept on breaking my heart. It’s as if they enjoyed watching me feel bad in front of others. Sorry, too dramatic. I feel like crying now.

Then, THEY STARTED TALKING ABOUT MY BEST FRIEND’S UPCOMING DEBUT! Yes, you read it right. And her own bestfriend is now having problems because she’s not sure if she can come to her own bestfriend’s party.

This is my problem since last year. I told her I’m not sure because my VERY VERY VERY VERY pa IMPORTANT LOLA isnt gonna let me come. But she insist. She’s getting mad when I mention that im not sure i can go. And she said her mother is going to talk to my lola so she’ll let me. AS IF SHE WILL. Wanna make a bet? She’ll only make a scene. How sure I am? I’ll prove it to you. When I was in third year high school we had a group project. If you say GROUP PROJECT, that AUTOMATICALLY means you have to go to your classmates house. So we went to a friend’s house which is not that far from here. We started doing it, time flies so fast I didn’t noticed it. When i look up at the clock it was 4pm already!! I started to get panicked. I said to our leader that i should go coz someone is waiting for me. But she said, it wasnt finished yet so i cant go. I told her, my grandmother would be so mad. She bravely decided to talked to my grandmother. I said, OK. If that’s WHAT YOU WANT.(im totally pissed off that time already cant she see im hungry? oh God.) I punched our phone number and gave her the receiver. She was smiling and pure of confidence at first but after a few minutes, her smile vanished. Her eyebrows are almost joined together, big bullets of sweats started to form in her forehead and she finally gave up and gave to me the receiver. I asked her, “what did she said?” ”sabi niya, ay nako wala akong kasama dito, kailangan pa ng magluluto kasi wala kaming katulong kailangan na talagang umuwi niyan, nahihilo pa ako masakit ang ganito ko bla bla bla” See? Now you know? I dont want to repeat that again. I dont want to lose my face on my bestfriend’s mother. This will be so embarrassing I tell youuuu!  So I just keep my mouth shut and let the other topics come before it turns out in a fight.

I just dunno what to do. AND MY VERY OWN OTHER BEST FRIEND WASNT HELPING ME.

She was like, ‘Ano ba yan palagi na lang ganyan pero sa ibang kaibigan mo sumasama ka.’ When i told her i cant come because i have work ‘ ANO?! DUTY? PWEDE MO NAMANG ABSENAN EH!’

TANG*NA I AM SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cant she understand my situation?!?!?! We were always like this. We were always like this. She’s always at the opposite side. She’s always on the right whilst im on the left.

CAN SHE SUPPORT ME?! JUST FOR THIS TIME?!?! This is shit i tell you.

I am so close to tears right now. I feel like I’m alone with no one to lean on. I can’t handle this situation anymore.

:(

Close to tears. Aigooo. I’m such a crybaby. Can someone please try to talk some sense to them and make them understand that this is not easy as they thought it is. and they’re making me suffer. They didnt know how much it hurts me that i wont be able to attend my best friends’ debut. This HURTS ME A MORE THAN THEY THOUGHT!

I want to go. I want to join. I want to join and her and witness her party for being an official young lady. But what can i do if someone wont let me to?

Sighhhhhh. Problems. They keep on coming. Sometimes I just want to run away.

I’d rather be alone than staying with them while they’re slowly killing me softly.

And my grandmother is trying to add some problems! her heart is enlarging. its not allowed to make her upset. she’s the one to blame okay? BLAME HERSELF FOR BEING SOOOOOO!! Aish! See? I’m having a hard time expressing myself without being so BLUNT at my words!!!!!!

I feel like I’m dying. Slowly. Slowly. Slowly.

Who wants to join me?

PS. She texted me saying sorry because she’s preparing a surprise video for her birthday. Good for her, shes sure she can go and have a good time. Good for them.